Journey through grief ..

I've spent the last 4 and a 1/2 years walking on the path of grieving for my son and it's been a long and tiresome journey.There's been a lot of twists & turns,huge obstacles to overcome,times when I had to walk the path alone and gallons & gallons of tears shed.Grief can cause a lot of damage in a relationship and my husband and I almost didn't make it but I think the remembrance of my son's strength and just his simple love of life saw us through it all.Grief also causes a lot of physical symptoms.For a time I swore I was suffering from arthritis,every joint in my body hurt.Headaches,insomnia,panic attacks..grief is not just a feeling,it effects every fiber of your being and it takes time to heal.A lot of time.I remember when the world always seemed dark & gray,there were no more  colors,sounds were monotone and every morning having to get out of bed a chore.But it does pass..one day you realize that ,that flower you are looking at is the most vivid shade of pink and you realize just how peaceful the world sounds while you sip your morning coffee & listen to the birds greeting the sun as it comes up.I love my son and I miss him terribly but I

also know the disservice I would be causing him by not living.What I was doing was not living,I was existing,not fair just to him but to my surviving children,my husband and myself.I have chosen to live and enjoy every minute of it..for Danny<3

Growing out a stacked bob..

Is definitely an exercise in patience & will power.I had a layered bob with a stack which makes it all the more frustrating.You can't just let it grow out because of the odd angles and different lengths ,well you can but it's not pretty,so you need frequent trims to allow the shortest parts in the back to catch up with the sides and front.I wish my stylist had made the announcement that the stacked bob was hard to grow out BEFORE she started cutting but it is what it is and while it looked cute for a little while it definitely lost is  cuteness after a couple months when I decided nah,I want it longer!For the moment my hair is still too short for my liking but it's now pretty much evened out and more of a short shag so now other than the usual trimming of the ends I can just let it grow.Hopefully by fall it will have started showing some length as my hair grows faster in the summer and I started taking hair & nails vitamins.For anyone growing the stack out invest in some pony wraps and clip in pony's or extensions it will help the "omg!It looks like crap, just cut it all off again"moments.Pretty hair accessories and pinning it back also helps.I found a few cute ideas for updo's for short hair but I think they probably work better with thicker hair.For anyone thinking of a stack think hard before you do it,some women love it ,others like me love it until it's time to grow it out,then it becomes a huge PITA...

Amazingly...

It's been an AMAZING week and I hope the rest of the year follows as well,I so need a break from the what can only be described as a depressing 4 years.It wasn't all depressing but when you are clawing & climbing your way back out of a dark pit it sure can seem like all.I've done a lot of reading on the subject of grief & mourning and have learned that  going thru the grieving process not only affects you mentally  but physically as well.Over the course of the first 3 years I developed arthritis like joint pain,some days almost debilitating.I read about Fibromyalgia,Rheumatoid Arthritis,you name it I thought maybe I was getting it and other than the overwhelming sense of loss over my sons death I couldn't understand why I would have so much pain in my joints,especially my neck which sometimes felt too heavy for my head,when physically I was always healthy.I lived like this for probably 3 years when one day I woke up and it was gone,just like that.The heaviness I felt pushing down on me all the time ,vanished.They say the 2nd to 4th year post loss is hard ,it's the time of acceptance & coming to terms with your loss and then taking those steps to move forward,our loved ones wouldn't want to know we suffered for so long and living inside a dark place is no life at all.I have also discovered this week just how much my family has grown & overcome despite all the things life has thrown at them.I'm very proud of my children,even when they occasionally make bad choices,which we all do, we are only human afterall.I also discovered that it is possible to fall in love with the same person twice and have a new beginning and that sometimes the 2nd time is better because you already know each other at the deepest levels,there's none of that awkward,getting to know you phases.I could look back over my life and think what a clusterfuck but I don't,each happening whether good or bad,has an important lesson to be taken from it..Life is short,love the ones your with,&  never forget to say I love you!

Wedding day.....

Yesterday was wonderful,the wedding fabulous and the bride absolutely gorgeous.I felt so honored to be part of it all and I am so happy my son found such a beautiful ,kind ,loving woman to spend his life with.I know by the way they look at each other that their love is true and I hope that carries with them thru a life time.I was also happy seeing all of my children together just having a great time.Life sometimes get's busy and it's nice to see the sibling bond never waivers.Of course Danny's absence was noticed,it always is and Ally really brought a smile to my heart by having a picture of him in her bouquet.She also had a picture of her grand dad and I know both were smiling down on the happy couple.Ally's Mom did an absolutely fabulous job putting everything together and I will have to remember it all for when my own daughters get married someday.Today they leave for their honeymoon cruise to the Bahamas and the start of a beautiful life together....

Happy 24th Birthday in Heaven...

...my sweet boy!24 years ago today at 2:59 a.m. I welcomed into the world my 2nd born son.I still remember my very 1st look at my son and thinking "he's so beautiful!".Danny was a very special gift,entrusted to me to nurture & love and I loved him from the moment I knew I was pregnant.Back then they didn't do much prenatal testing on 21 year old mothers to be and other than having having a weird "feeling"my pregnancy was uneventful.My doctor chalked it up to 2nd time jitters but I knew deep down something wasn't quite right.My intuition was spot on and shortly after his birth I was told my son  probably had Down Syndrome.genetic testing needed to be done to verify but based on his features I knew.My only experience with DS was having seen them in the special ed classes and having worked at a school for special needs children which had some of the worst of the worst disabilities.I was frightened and thought "My God what have I done to my son!"even tho it was no ones fault, his particular form of Trisomy 21 was not familial,just a 'fluke" as per the genetiscist,I still felt incredible guilt that I had somehow caused this.The pediatrician came in to see me and asked me if I was taking him home?I remember being speechless for a moment then asking "What do you mean am I taking him home? Of course I'm taking him home he's my baby boy!"The thought never once crossed my mind that I would not be taking my beautiful black haired baby boy home with me.He was mine,I was his and it would always be that way.I vowed to him that I would always be there to protect him,to keep him safe from the darkness of the world and I did that until one night a monster came and stole him from us.Danny was a funny,smart,gorgeous kid and he beat al the odds from what I was first presented with when he was born.He sat up ,crawled,walked,potty trained all within the normal developmental time lines,his only  delay was in speech which never developed beyond the level of a 2 year old.We never did get an answer as to why being as high functioning as he was, that he could not speak.He stubbornly refused to learn sign language and instead made up his own version of communication.We understood him but others didn't so he used a communication board which spoke for him at school.Danny grew into a handsome young man and was transitioning into living & working as an adult  thru the Life Skills program at his HS when he died.Having been told by the geneticist when he was born that if he lived to be 2 we would be lucky even tho he didn't have the usual health problems associated with DS,I was always aware that because of his particular genetic defect he would be prone to certain diseases.I never ever expected it would be T1 diabetes aka Juvenile diabetes that would quietly steal him from us.We never knew what was killing him beneath the surface.It came on suddenly and he was gone in the blink of an eye under the ruse of being a stomach bug.I remember thinking "Why God have you taken my precious boy from me?"Danny died 12 days before his 20th birthday, it was a Saturday morning and I had gone in to check on him,it was the most horrible ,terrifying thing I have ever lived through.I was the 1st to see him when he was born,the 1st to see him when he died,a Mothers heart so full of love yet so broken.It's been a long,difficult 4 years but things have slowly gotten better.I can accept now that my son is no longer with me,that I will never hear his laugh,see his smile or steal a hug from him until my own journey here on earth is done but I know someday I will see him again,my Angel in Heaven.Happy Heavenly 24th  Birthday Danny,look for your Skittles in the sky  today my sweet boy....

Danny Scottodifrega 4/10/89-3/28/09

Tomorrow would be your 24th birthday,but you will forever be 19.Four years have passed now and I miss you more than words can describe.I know someday I will hear your sweet laugh and hold you in my arms again my sweet son..Love  you always & forever Momma xoxo

Spring has sprung

...FINALLY!!!!It's  been so miserable ,cold & wet this winter and it just dragged on & on.I want to dig in the dirt and hopefully not end up in the ER for a tetanus shot like I did last year.That was fun...NOT!! But good thing about tetanus is I'm covered should I have another unfortunate shoveling in flip- flops accident =D.My roses are leafing up and the hyacinths are blooming  the nice weather brings with it a much better frame of mind.I guess after the long winter we were all going a little crazy from cabin fever & I've been needing a little sunshine in my life.Here's to Spring & in 2 months time ...SUMMER!!!!

My son is getting married...

..to his high school sweetheart this Saturday.They've been together for a long time and I am happy that he has found someone he wants to spend his life with.Finding someone special is always a gift and I hope he remembers to always cherish ,honor & love her and that she does the same.I hope I didn't set too bad an example for him growing up as I got married for the wrong reasons and my marriages weren't really marriages but I know in my heart that I raised him to be a good man.I'm also a little jealous ,not because of anything in particular but it must be lovely to take the walk with someone who you truly love,to have that glow that so many brides seem to have,maybe someday or maybe not,maybe it just wasn't meant for me in this lifetime but I am as a mother so happy that my son found his soulmate and I wish them many happy years together.I'm sure it will be bittersweet seeing my baby boy get married,turning him over to another woman but my DIL is a good girl and I know she loves him.In my minds eye I will always see him as my little boy no matter how grown he is but like all Mother's have to do eventually I have given him his wings...

I'm what you call a deep,critical thinker.Sometimes it can be my own downfall as sometimes I feel things so intensely that I start adding problems that were not really there.I think of all the worst case scenario's and that it the plague of being a Cappy.I must have one helluva flexible brain because I'm always in awe that it hasn't snapped into a million floating brain cells lost in what is known as my skull.But..I am a tough old bitch and a life warrior.I always overcome and hold my head up high.I could let life beat me up but I refuse.I ..will...not..give..up.Life is never promised as being fair and to have a good life you have to work at it and I am working my ass off.I've heard this quote a million times.."never let anyone dull your shine" and it's true. Despite life's disappointments & downfalls never ,ever forget to sparkle for you are special,even if others forget that at times and make you feel like you are less than what you really are.You are awesome,beautiful,kind & absolutely worth it!